Monday, September 5, 2011

The Turkeys are back

Right on cue, the red gizzard fowl feathered beasts have reappeared. These turkeys are the meaner version of the butter-balled variety found in the depths of supermarket freezers. They are wild turkeys, not to be confused with the bourbon of the same name, and they are aggressive and hideously ugly.
 Frankenstein-monster ugly.
They appear on my lawn and the head honcho turkey, the mob enforcer Tom knocks on my glass-paned sliding door. I am not kidding. He takes his hideous blue-beaked waddle/snood contraption and pokes at my door to get my attention while I have my morning coffee. I don't know what he hopes to accomplish other than to impress the ladies, the four or five that he travels with—his harem/posse.
When I stare him down, he doesn't flinch. He opens his enormous fan of feathers and preens his victory. At what, I have no idea since I'm the one inside with all the food. Apparently, males of any species can be vexingly irritating.
And even as Fall deepens and Thanksgiving preparations begin to dot our days they still appear, unaware of their impending doom. They are emboldened having gathered many more in their flock/gaggle/pride.  Did I mention turkeys are dumb?
If you have the misfortune of trying to get into your car to go to work when there is a group of turkeys on your driveway they will form an impenetrable circle and peck at your car.
I'm serious.
They squeal and squawk menacingly and don't let you back out of the driveway lest you become known as a turkey killer.
Have I mentioned that they're dumb?
 I have a vendetta against these beasts ever since my daughter totaled her new car when she had to stop short on the Palisades Parkway because the car in front of her stopped short to allow the turkeys to cross the road—lest they too become known as turkey killers. When my daughter told her co-workers, most of whom were not suburbanites, but rather city-dwellers they looked at her agape, visions of innocuous smiling turkeys as portrayed inaccurately by the Macy's Day Thanksgiving Parade turkey and its crepe paper brethren dancing in their heads.
Let me just state for the record that I really, really enjoy Thanksgiving.  

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