Fifty Shades of Nonsense

Ahead of the impending blizzard about to pound those of us foolish enough to live on the east coast, I went to the bookstore to pick up a couple of beach-ready books for my Florida trip next week. I glanced at the Romance section and was fairly surprised at the absence of any notion of romance there. Yes, there were plenty of books on bondage, men objectifying women and treating them poorly, but no romance. At least not the kind of romantic and chivalrous gestures and language I would imagine any sane woman would welcome.

It's been many years since feminism took hold and it is actually considered social suicide to label one's self a feminist. The concept of Fifty Shades of Grey, an erotic depiction of exquisite sexual torture masquerading as 'what women really want' makes me gag. And in a marketing campaign that I would like to believe was thought up by a team of men, the movie version is being released on Valentine's Day. And there are now shelves and shelves of books, hastily written and barely edited (because good writing is besides the point) that exalt this new genre of Adult-Romance.

I haven't read any of these novels, and I don't intend to. Perhaps I would feel differently if I had, although I doubt it, but I'll skip the wasted afternoon. Now don't get me wrong. I lapped up Kathleen E. Woodiwiss' bodice-ripping books as a high-schooler, and although the Duke/Captain/Earl was sometimes a laconic,widowed bastard, he always got reformed at the hands of the Governess/Orphan/Widow into something worthy of her love.

My point is: What the hell is wrong with us women? 

I know, I'm sounding harsh and preachy when what I'm really feeling is disappointment. And fear, for a whole generation of women that are equating sexual satisfaction with mistreatment. Wouldn't you encourage your own daughter to run like the devil from a man who treated her with dagger-tipped gloves rather than kid gloves? Wouldn't you tell your daughter that anyone who wants to control her isn't a safe bet and to make sure to keep the exit door clearly in sight?

Call me old-fashioned, call me a prude, I don't care. Female empowerment isn't something for males to grant. It comes from a sense of self, of true confidence and being told we are worth being treated well. My new daughter-in-law bought me a plaque that reads: "A man who treats his woman like a princess is a proof that he has been born and raised in the arms of a queen." She appreciates my son and he appreciates her, as he witnessed his parents treat one another. When did that become something so easily dismissed?
 
Our little girls idolize Disney princesses who are brave and confident, our tweens idolize Taylor Swift, a talented and bright young woman, and as grown women we welcome men who abuse us under the guise of pleasure? 

Let's change the narrative and by all means, enjoy sex, but with someone who doesn't mistreat or seek to own you. 

Please, embrace your power as women and as enforcers of your own destiny. 
And for goodness sakes, put down the silly books and think of your daughters. 

Is A Soul Mate A Real Thing?

...And How Many Years Should Someone Sacrifice in Search of Theirs?

Yes, it is a long heading, and before you have EROS or CUPID sling their poison tipped arrows my way let me say: I'm only trying to help.

I'll address the first part of the question...it depends on the person.

If you've been playing dress-up bride since you turned nine, saw meaning in every meaningless gesture sent your way by whoever you happened to be dating, and you've elevated Valentine's Day to a national holiday, then you deserve to get whatever it is you're hoping for. Or think you're hoping for...just make sure it actually exists in nature and isn't a figment of your imagination. Because if it is, unfortunately there will be many lonely Valentine's Days in your future. 

Waiting breathlessly for proof positive that the guy you're with is 'the one' can be soul-sucking and a needless waste of energy. Rather, spend your time looking for someone who has qualities you admire and respect. There is no absolute when it comes to love. There are no guarantees that you will find your soul mate and no guarantees that if you do find him/her, you'll be pleased with the selection the universe has sent your way. Take it from me, I'm a matchmaker that attends many singles events as a facilitator hoping to match up couples for a lifetime of long-lasting happiness and respect, except they often put obstacles in my way. And those obstacles are mostly themselves...armed with unrealistic expectations.

I know I'm sounding tough and I intend to because I'm frustrated with singles looking for love decade after decade while fruitlessly searching for something out of their grasp, all while a fantastic mate stands somewhere within shouting distance. And while these singles have been rejecting possible mates by the handfuls, their friends are getting married and creating beautiful families and lives.

I am a matchmaker, at least I try to be when a single will listen to me. My hero is Patti Stanger, The Millionaire Matchmaker, because I wish I could be as politically incorrect as she is and pull off the tough love she delivers in her signature no-nonsense manner.

I also wish I had a roster of millionaires as clients and her plastic surgeon...she's lookin' mighty fine... but I digress.

So here is what I really want to say to my singles: PLEASE GET REAL.

Is it about the hunt, or is it truly about finding a spouse who will be loving and supportive and make you happy? Are you truly looking to make things work with someone or are you spinning a fantasy in your mind that no human could possibly fulfill?

You need to become honest about your expectations. You're shaking your heads...what does she know, she's making it sound so easy. 

But it can be. Please forgive me if I'm overstepping, by no means do I intend to minimize your pain, but it is precisely because I see the pain in your eyes and hear it in your voice that I can't be an enabler any more.

I feel your fear, I feel your frustration, but I am urging you to leap. 

Trust yourself and your instincts and grab your life. Don't look for excuses, look for possibilities. Choose to embrace a future that will bring you joy, and a love that will be real and sustaining. Seeing stars and hearing bells ring are also signs of a concussion, so please don't rely on those to make a major life decision. 

I think this is sound advice unless you truly enjoy the hunt...unless you've convinced yourself there is always someone more enticing around the bend. To those of you have used the 'looking for my soul mate' excuse well past its expiration date, I guess the only thing you can do is to keep on looking and prove me wrong. But please take a moment to think of all the wonderful years you've given up and all the lonely nights you've endured during your hunt. Please take a moment to envision what a spectacular life you could still have if only you relaxed that death grip you have on your list of ideals for the perfect spouse. 

What works for you? Be honest. What can you change about yourself...yes I'm talking to you, oh perfect candidate who has evaded the marital net all these years, what can YOU change to move forward and find love?

It begins and ends with you. You've waited long enough for love, why don't you give it a chance?